For a little gas, I lost my flourishing career.
My readers who had read my profile would have noticed I am not an admiral and far from the coveted rank. It was all because of gas, a small quantity, at the wrong time and the wrong place.
While I was making a presentation, as a liaison officer for a group of visiting admirals from NATO, it happened at a crucial point. It was not a whimper, but a loud, resounding bang.
The small room full of senior officers, for want of a better expression, stank like hell. I do not know how hell rates on a stink scale, but the room rated close to nine on ten. The disgusted, distinguished dignitaries left the room and country without so much as a by your leave, but with a solemn promise never to visit my country again. One American admiral laughed and before leaving, told me, "You're still a work in progress." My bosses concurred with him and served me the marching orders. I left the navy unceremoniously and made extensive research on the subject as given in the title.
Medical research proves secretion of gas could be due to innumerable reasons, and prevention of its escape is well nigh impossible and not worth attempting. The best proven remedy, of course, is the withdrawal, from the scene of the party or conference or whatever to a place where there would be no one. This, unfortunately, is not always possible and hence the need to look for other options.
Such options should provide any of the following:
(a) to limit the damage,
(b) to deflect the blame to any of the persons nearby,
(c) to get the benefit of the doubt.
Limiting the damage entails:
(a) Suppression of the noise, and if it were not possible, reduction of it to minimum to make it inaudible,
(b) Elimination of the odor, and if it were not possible, reduction of the smell level on a stink scale of ten to less than two.
Suppression of the noise can be achieved by:
(a) Mechanical,
(b) Electronic, or
(c) Explosive methods.
Mechanical method involves using a device similar to the silencer used with pistols or mufflers with the exhausts of ICEs. When the noise level expected is likely to be of higher decibels, the former is recommended. I am pleased to report I have designed a gadget and started production pending the approval of the patent. It is a simple gadget of a number of tubes, one within the other, with a small gap of less than half a millimeter (a few thou in FPS system) between them. The conventional apparatus has a dozen, and the deluxe version has two dozen tubes. The escaping gas passing through the airspaces gets dissipated and muted entirely by the time it passes out at the other end. Designing the instrument and bench tests did not take long, but what proved to be insurmountable problems were: it had to be portable, ready for use when required, and should work for and be acceptable to people of both sexes including the gays.
My team and I have come up with a novel design. The product can be worn by people of all sexes and carried around the waist at the rear. It has a small, soft rubber ball filled with compressed air and is operated by a cord attached to it. The cord goes around the waist and ends up at the front end of the jeans/pants/skirt/dress or whatever. It comes in many colors and easily mixes with the dress of the wearer.
The mechanical device.
When the wearer finds the explosion imminent, he should tug at the cord which releases the compressed air. This makes the gadget heavy, and due to gravity, the apparatus of tubes lying vertically, till then, slides down to take its position to cover the objective- the gap. When it reaches the intended place, a small spring releases to position it a rakish angle. Unless the butt is uneven, the process of sliding will be smooth, and the apparatus gets into position in two seconds flat. It covers the outlet fully and gags any sound altogether. Field trials before the FDA have proved a hundred percent success.
Electronic apparatus.
This consists of an oscillator of adjustable frequency with an amplifier; all miniaturized and contained in a chip. It is worn in the same position as the mechanical device and connected by the same type cord which operates like a switch. When switched on, the device produces a bang much louder than the bang under reference and makes people wonder what exploded in the room. The occupants of the room, unless demented, will look for the cause for explosion and not the perpetrator of the crime. The operation of this device needs certain finesse as the two noises should be synchronized. Otherwise, the results are likely to be disastrous as it will be a double whammy. This has been included in the disclaimer in small print.
An explosive device.
It is a miniature IED. For the uninitiated in terrorism, the acronym stands for Improvised Explosive Device. It is the cheapest of all devices and can be assembled at the house as per requirements of the user following the step by step procedure in the instruction manual written in understandable American English. When assembled, the field tests can be carried out in any open ground, outside the city limits and as far from human habitation as possible. Mountain caves and abandoned shipwrecks are recommended.
It needs to be carried on the person, and at the beginning of any consequential conference or meeting with the boss, it should be placed under the chair. It can be triggered by any cell phone when the situation demands its use, to concur with the noise under reference. In this case also perfect synchronization is necessary. Otherwise, there will be two explosions instead of one. This system has an inherent risk as this device is not taken kindly by security agencies. Discretion of the highest order is essential for use of this device. Further details can be seen in the disclaimer.
Perfume.
This device consists of a small collapsible tube of perfume with a thin membrane as the cover. It can be kept in any trouser/skirt pocket and goes with a needle called Lancelot. When the bang, big or small, occurs, the wearer has to pull a small chord. The Lancelot, cocked like a rifle by a spring, fires the pin which pierces the cover of the tube and releases the perfume within. This scent will snuff out all smells in the room. It will not only spread a delightful fragrance but also work on the grey cells of all persons in an area of five square meters. It will make their feel good factor soar fast. This has no inherent dangers and risks except its exorbitant cost, which is likely to cause high BP. This is specially recommended for people who love garlic with their food.
Psychological.
When the person involved in this unsavory subject under reference is unprepared with any of the gadgets mentioned above, and if the occasion demands it, the psychological method is recommended. When the dramatic event occurs, the best course of action is to look at someone close by as if he were the culprit and a worm unfit to continue in a distinguished company. The potential victim should be selected in advance, if required, by going through his dossier, CV, or medical records, or whatever is accessible. Selection of a wrong individual is fraught with many dangers as the technique is like to boomerang on the user. It is highly likely the intended victim will stare back. In such an eventuality, it is essential to hold one's stare and not blink. Regular practice in front of mirror, for staring for long without blinking is recommended.
Facial expression.
Irrespective of the method employed, it is essential for the perpetrator, this sounds better than farter, to maintain a dead-pan expression on his face. Any sign of regret or remorse is likely to give the game away and confirm the real culprit. Soon many fingers will be pointed at him, and he will meet a fate similar to what I had met.
Lastly, I am glad to inform, thanks to my extensive research supported by data of thousands of persons of each sex and successful field tests lasting more than six months, I managed to get a different prefix and suffix to my name. It was a loss to the navy but a significant gain to the whole world.
I am positive my name has slipped into immortality.
Dr Ramarao PhD.
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