My endeavors into family history again brought me to a story of Great Uncle Hickory, the lovable town drunk. Because of his good nature, even when he couldn't remain vertical, everyone liked him. Well, most of the time everyone liked him. Uncle Hickory had one major fault when he was drunk; he liked to sing.
The quality of his voice left much to be desired and he could never hit his pitches. Heck, he couldn't hit anybody's pitches. In fact, calling the warbling sound that emanated from his throat "singing" might be an injustice to the word and an insult to musical people everywhere. His voice ranged from a low bass to a high, falsetto soprano, often on the same aggravating, sustained syllable. Nonetheless, what Uncle Hickory lacked in quality, he made up for in volume.
He could sing loud enough to crack windows, make the church bell vibrate, cause dogs to howl, and drop birds out of the sky. But the biggest problem of all was that he liked to "sing" at two in the morning as he drove up and down Main Street in his old truck. This was long before the days of decibel meters and sound ordinances, and the local police were at a loss as to how they could curb his sleep-depriving revelry.
Drunken driving laws were something just barely being tested in some cities and the desperate people of our small town took the initiative to create one of their own. Thus a remorseful, but unchanged, Uncle Hickory, after one of his late night forays, found himself standing before the judge. The kind judge, who did not live in town and had therefore gotten a good night's sleep, didn't have the heart to lock up lovable Uncle Hickory. He, therefore, impounded Uncle Hickory's truck, thinking that would put an end to the problem of the late night, forte sleep-bandit and, hence, the complaints of the town's residents. Besides, he reasoned, the law was against driving drunk, and, without his old truck, Uncle Hickory couldn't drive.
However, in the early hours of the following morning, the townsfolk, much to their chagrin, heard the same dreadful braying fill the air. Uncle Hickory was dragging Main on his horse and the horse wasn't the one doing the braying. Not long after the sun peeked over the horizon, Uncle Hickory again stood with his court-appointed lawyer to face charges brought by sleepy, irate police officers.
The judge was perplexed. The law clearly stated a person could not drive a vehicle in an inebriated state, but what did that entail? The debate raged for a period between Uncle Hickory's attorney and the prosecution as to whether a horse could be considered a vehicle. To impound one's horse was akin to horse thievery and the judge was not about to get near that - not in the West where the memory of horse rustlers ending up on the short end of a shorter rope swinging from a tree was still recent history. With a stroke of genius, Uncle Hickory's attorney pointed out that Uncle Hickory had been too drunk to be driving.
Thus, Uncle Hickory became one of the first people, and perhaps the only person in history, to have DWI charges dropped on a technicality - having a horse as a designated driver.
More stories, books, and plays by Daris Howard can be read at http://www.darishoward.com
Daris Howard is an author and playwright who grew up on a farm in rural Idaho. Throughout his life he has associated with many colorful characters including cowboys, farmers, lumberjacks, truck drivers, factory workers, and others while working in these and other industries.
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